Guy Talk
by MissJayne
Summary: Gibbs, Tony, McGee and Ducky rate the females of NCIS. Fluffy goodness. Mentions of past Jibbs. Sequel to Girl Talk. Oneshot. For Jacob.


_Thanks to my wonderful beta Kristen! I know I said I would try and get this done yesterday, but life got in the way._

_For Jacob. Happy birthday to my little brother! And if anyone wants to challenge the decision at the end, he made the choice as to who would win because I couldn't decide._

Guy Talk

Gibbs let his eyes dance around his basement. He had definitely had a little too much bourbon tonight, and everyone else knew it. At least he could blame the alcohol if this discussion got any more out of hand.

As if it wasn't already.

For some strange reason, Tony had invited himself, McGee and Ducky back to the basement for an evening of bonding. Quite why they needed to bond any further was beyond Gibbs, but he understood the need for a team to work effectively together, and if sharing alcohol and thoughts helped the others to become closer, he was not going to argue. It wouldn't hurt him to spend some time with them as well.

He also couldn't understand why only the males were present. Ziva had been invited, but had mumbled something about being busy, while Abby had apologized for being unavailable. Only Jenny had shed some light on the matter, claiming that the other two were going over to her house this evening, before returning to her paperwork.

He took another sip of his drink, amused at the way the others were sitting underneath his boat. The ribs were perfectly positioned for them to lean back on, although it was a bit of a tight fit. He himself was sitting on the only stool in the basement, tucked away in the corner. If he did not need to be any closer, he could stay over here and simply observe.

"Hey, boss!" Tony called, as though he was the other end of a very busy squad room and not merely across the room. "Come join in."

He did not answer, but gave his agent a good glare in response.

"Jethro," Ducky warned. His old friend was a little drunk as well, but surprisingly lucid. "Join in. We'd like your opinion."

Sighing, he rose from his stool and made his way over, ducking under a rib and settling himself down. He was probably going to need some help to get up, even though he had slept under here before. With his glass next to him, he continued to glare at Tony.

DiNozzo was nonplussed. "We thought it would be fun to rate the females at NCIS," he announced. "Although the others insisted on narrowing it down to Abby, Ziva and Jenny."

"Only because you would include every woman in the building," McGee pointed out.

"And where's the harm in that?" Tony objected. "The point being that we couldn't have this conversation and leave you out of it, boss. We would like your opinion on some things."

Gibbs nodded his head slightly. There was no way Ducky would allow him out of this discussion now, and he could at least regulate it a bit. Besides, it was not as though the females would ever find out about it.

"What are we rating them on?" he asked, having not agreed directly to join in. It was a legitimate line of defense on the off chance that Jenny realized what had been discussed. And it always helped to know the criteria.

"We've come up with five categories," Tony grinned. "Ducky could only think of one. Unless you can think of something?"

He shook his head, curious to know what they had thought up. "Go," he ordered.

* * *

Tony DiNozzo allowed himself a true smile. Normally, his mask was firmly in place to show everyone the persona he wanted to them to see. Now, he could relax. It helped that he was a little drunk, and he trusted the boss to watch his back. And they were discussing his favorite topic – women.

He loved every woman he came across. He couldn't help it. Every one of them was slightly different, but they were all special. And he had always wanted to know what his teammates thought of their colleagues.

Getting Gibbs involved had been a stroke of luck. His usually quiet, reserved boss had been sipping his bourbon steadily since they had arrived in his basement, which was probably the reason he had agreed to allow this and to join in himself. It helped that Ducky was present; Ducky always wanted to include everyone, and he was one of the few people who could persuade Gibbs to do something he didn't want to do.

"The first topic," he proclaimed. "Is courtesy of Mr. Gemcity. Who is the most addicted to caffeine?"

"I think it would be safe to take Ziva out of the running," Ducky decided. "She may drink the odd tea, but she certainly does not take in as much caffeine as the other two."

Tony nodded his head in agreement. Their assassin was definitely not addicted to caffeine. Perhaps to Berry Mango Madness, but not to caffeine.

"Abby's addicted to her Caf-Pows," McGee pointed out. "She's tried to switch to decaf several times, but always ends up switching back."

"At least she has tried," Ducky noted. "Jennifer, on the other hand… She is addicted, and I have never seen her on decaf."

"Could be because she has a very stressful job," McGee reasoned. "Giving up caffeine would stress her further, and she needs it to work for longer hours."

"And yet even before that, she did not try," Ducky remarked. "Isn't that right, Jethro?"

Gibbs did not look happy to be dragged into the discussion. "She's spent a few weeks caffeine-free," he commented.

"But she isn't as addicted as Abby," McGee argued.

"We haven't concluded that yet," Tony protested. "Jenny's always got a cup of coffee to hand."

"Abby always has a Caf-Pow," McGee shot back.

"Gibbs brings Jenny coffee."

"Gibbs brings Abby Caf-Pow."

"Jenny can drink the swill that Gibbs calls coffee – ow!"

Tony rubbed his head and glared at the boss for head-slapping him. Okay, he had stepped over the line, but still. To be able to drink that stuff, you had to be truly addicted. The coffee was probably able to stand up on its own if it was removed from the cup. Saying this in front of the boss, however, was sacrilege.

"I think Abby should win," he declared. "Anyone else?"

McGee shook his head in frustration. "I've been saying Abby for the last five minutes."

"Ducky?" Tony asked.

"I would have to agree with you," Ducky admitted. "Abby is more addicted."

"Boss?"

Gibbs fixed him with another glare.

"The boss is not voting," Tony announced. "Which means Abby wins this round."

* * *

Timothy McGee was not entirely sure how he had been roped into this. It might have had something to do with Tony having persuaded Ducky to come first, as he had stupidly thought that Ducky being present would control the situation a bit. As would having Gibbs around, because even Tony wasn't stupid enough to annoy the man too much.

But somehow an innocent debate had gotten out of hand, and they were discussing their colleagues in terms that would not be taken well if the females found out about it. Abby could boil them alive without leaving a trace, the Director had been a good field agent back in the day and could undoubtedly deal with them in some interesting ways, and Ziva… The Mossad Officer would torture all of them in inventive ways before disposing of their ruined bodies.

Sometimes it was an advantage to know Ziva, such as when she would come to his defense while Tony was harassing him. But sometimes it was terrifying. He recalled the time Gibbs had left her alone with a suspect, and upon their return, the suspect had told them everything. If she turned against him, he would not last two minutes.

In fact, he would probably blab everything he knew to prevent her from coming any closer.

He turned to watch Tony, who still had a glimmer of mischief in his eye. Tony had insisted that the categories people came up with were 'outside the box'. With most people, this would be difficult, but their coworkers were different to most people – a Goth, an assassin, and a… He couldn't think of a good word to sum up the Director, although he wondered if 'redhead' would do.

"The next topic – mine of course – is 'highest heels'," Tony declared.

McGee mused for a moment. "Abby wears platform boots, which technically aren't heels," he pointed out.

"Of course they are heels, Probie," Tony retorted. "They elevate her off the ground."

"But they're more wedges than heels," he added. "I mean a heel has a point on the end of it, but the height on Abby's boots is evenly distributed."

"I think I would know more about women's shoes that you," Tony countered.

"And yet you clearly don't know the difference between a heel and a platform boot."

"No, you don't. Abby wears heels."

"Did you know you can get platform boots with heels on them?" McGee noted. He had been trying to buy Abby a new pair, and come across a bewildering array of choices. Not that he would ever tell Tony, but his sister had been very helpful and pointed out the differences between the heeled versions and Abby's platform boots, once he had described them.

He had also been slightly intrigued to discover that the heeled versions cost less than the evenly distributed versions. He had assumed it would be the other way around.

"The boss should settle this," Tony decided. "Boss?"

Gibbs seemed bemused to be asked for his judgment on shoes. "Because I've got three ex-wives, I'm expected to understand the difference between heels and platform boots?" he queried.

"Yes," Tony, Ducky and McGee answered simultaneously.

Gibbs sighed. "Jenny wears the highest heels, and that's final."

McGee was glad to agree.

* * *

Ducky smiled as he viewed his friends. He considered all of them his friends, even if he did spent more of his time with Jethro than Timothy and Tony. They all meant something special to him, and he knew he could count on them.

It was nice than Jethro was getting involved in this. He might have needed a little arm twisting to join in, and he might have said very little, but he felt like one of the group, silently watching over everyone and making sure no one said anything too outrageous.

Tony needed someone to keep an eye on him. The younger man had a habit of saying things he shouldn't, and Jethro kept him in line. Head-slaps were probably not the best way to go about it, but they seemed to work. And he could always object if he needed to.

He had to admit that he was enjoying this. He spent rather a lot of time in Autopsy or with Mother, and an evening with more alive people was pleasant. They were having an interesting debate, with out of the ordinary ideas to discuss. And they were talking about their coworkers in a way that still showed their respect for them.

For the moment. But he had every faith that Jethro would make his displeasure known the moment anything got too out of hand.

"Our next topic," Tony announced. "Comes from the esteemed Doctor Donald Mallard."

Ducky hid a grin. Unlike the others, his topic was a little more down to earth. And it would be fun to discuss.

"Who is the most ladylike?" Tony finished with a flourish.

The others all took a moment to gather their thoughts.

McGee broke the silence. "I think we can rule out Ziva again," he began. "An assassin is not normally described as 'ladylike'."

"I would have said that Ziva is ladylike," Tony shot back. "Did you see her outfits when we went undercover together?"

"Clothes do not make the man," Ducky quoted. "Or in this case, woman."

"What about Abby?" McGee suggested.

"You're always suggesting Abby," Tony pointed out.

"Because you never suggest her," McGee retorted.

"Settle down," Ducky warned, sensing Jethro's impatience.

"Well, you could argue that none of them are particularly ladylike," McGee reasoned. "They're all independent, strong and feisty. Ladylike tends to mean feminine and dainty." He winced as he said the last word.

Ducky was drawn to this idea. "Do you think the nature of the job forces women to lose their femininity, or do you think the job attracts women who are not so feminine in the first place?"

"Jenny's feminine," Gibbs spoke up, not bothering to elaborate but making his point clear.

"But she's a woman in a men's world. Surely that must change her somewhat?"

Gibbs shrugged his shoulders. "Out of the three of them, Jenny's more ladylike."

Ducky was inclined to agree. It was a tough call, but the redhead seemed to have the edge on this one. He made his judgment clear to the others.

Tony and Timothy shared looks, exchanging opinions without speaking aloud.

"Jenny wins this one," Tony declared.

* * *

Gibbs was starting to feel more open. It had something to do with the amount of bourbon he had now consumed. However, his guard was still up. There were some things he didn't want coming out.

Like his and Jenny's past relationship. It was something private, something that still had a bearing on their current working relationship, but did not need to be spread around the agency. DiNozzo had his suspicions, as did others, and he did not want to confirm them in any way. Part of him wondered if Tony had set this up on purpose, in an attempt to get a confession out of him, but he doubted Tony was that stupid.

Neither Jenny nor himself really talked about their past. It was as though they had taken a pact to remain silent. He was well aware that her quick rise to the top had led to vicious rumors about her sleeping her way to her position, but no one was reckless enough to voice those suspicions in front of him anymore. Not even Tony had ever dared to do that.

He wondered what she was doing now. Ziva and Abby were with her. What did women do when they were left alone together? He knew what younger children did, having supervised a few of Kelly's sleepovers. He guessed ice cream might be involved. And almost certainly alcohol. Maybe a movie or two, although there would probably be an argument between Ziva and Abby over what to watch.

He rubbed his head slowly, and allowed himself to listen to what Tony was saying.

"The next topic is one of mine," he proclaimed. "And it is 'the ability to kill someone with office supplies'."

"I doubt we need to debate this," McGee grinned. "It's Ziva. No one else threatens to kill anyone with a paperclip."

"Abby always says she can kill someone and not leave any forensic evidence," Tony countered. "She might have to use equipment in her office to do so, which would thus count as using office supplies."

Gibbs suppressed a grin. Tony did have a point.

"Jenny should be in there," he spoke up, surprising everyone. "She's got a pretty good aim when throwing staplers."

"She threw a stapler at you, boss?" Tony queried, looking as though all his dreams had come true at once. "What did you do?"

Gibbs had no intention of letting him know about the time they had run out of coffee, and a furious row had erupted over who was going to go out and buy some. It was a lifetime ago. Still, when he was really aggravating her, she always seemed to let her eyes drift to her stapler…

"So, we still have all three of them in the game," Ducky summed up, neatly changing the topic slightly. "If I had to decide, I think Ziva would win. I feel she would be about to come up with a wide variety of ways to kill someone."

McGee considered for a moment before nodding. "I'm going to go with Ziva."

"Jethro? Tony?" Ducky inquired. "Who do you think?"

Personally, Gibbs felt Jenny was perfectly capable of murdering him with the contents of her office, but overall, he knew he would have to go with Ziva. The Israeli was more resourceful.

"Ziva," Tony spoke. "And the boss is staying silent again, so the majority have voted."

* * *

Tony was amazed that Gibbs had not head-slapped him for his most recent comment. He was fairly certain that the boss and the boss' boss had been more than partners back in the day. They stood a little bit too close, finished each other's sentences, and she even drank his coffee!

It was virtually impossible to say a bad thing about Jenny within possible earshot of Gibbs. And the guy had ears like a bat. His uncanny timing and practically psychic abilities had led to far more than one head-slap. Somehow, the man always appeared right at the most damning part.

Abby was convinced that Gibbs had bugged her lab, although that was impossible. The boss could barely work his cell phone and computer. Being able to procure and install electronic bugs – out of the question. He would have to involve the Probie, who would immediately tell Abby. The Probie could not keep anything from her. He really needed to learn how to keep a secret.

Gibbs was an expert at keeping secrets. He even had a rule concerning them. And it took an expert to never mention his first wife and daughter. They hadn't suspected. Had he always been so closed off, or was it something that had started after their deaths?

"Our final topic of the evening," he announced, trying to build up suspense. "Other than our overall winner round, comes from Mr. Gemcity again."

Across the boat, the Probie rolled his eyes, wisely staying silent.

"And that topic is…"

He let the pause drag out for a few moments, until Gibbs leant over and slapped the back of his head.

"Thank you, boss. The topic is 'most fun'."

Ducky decided to speak up first. "If we are going with 'most fun', what exactly does that mean? Does it mean that they are the most fun to be around, or they enjoy themselves a lot, or they are generally a 'fun person'?"

"And I redirect that question to Mr. Gemcity himself," Tony smirked. "Come on, McProbious. What do you mean by that?"

"I meant," McGee answered, getting all uppity. "I meant that they are the most fun to be around."

"Well," Ducky mused. "I doubt that Jennifer could win that one. She is, after all, almost permanently up to her eyeballs in paperwork."

Gibbs nodded, almost imperceptibly. Tony wondered if her love for her job had got in the way somewhere along the line.

"Ziva and fun don't tend to go together," he pondered aloud. "Unless you consider threats to your life to be 'fun'."

"Nothing you don't deserve, DiNozzo," Gibbs interjected, sipping his bourbon.

Tony shrugged. Admittedly, she usually only threatened to kill him when he had done something to annoy her, but sometimes he felt a head-slap would solve matters more easily. There was less potential blood involved, after all.

"And everyone knows how fun our little Goth is," Tony continued. "Bouncing around, swinging her pigtails –"

This head-slap stung more than the others; it took Tony a few seconds to realize his mistake.

"That was not a euphemism for something else, boss. Honest. It's just her pigtails are kind of long, and when she's dancing along to her music, they swing a little."

He was not expecting an apology, and was not surprised that Gibbs would stay silent. The man would not admit a mistake. Then again, he had believed that his favorite was under attack, and had only been defending her. All of them would take a bullet for Abby, and protecting her was high on everyone's list.

"So, Abby's the winner?" McGee checked.

Tony grinned. "Abby wins this round," he concurred.

* * *

Timothy McGee yawned widely. It was getting late, they all had work tomorrow, and there was no way that Gibbs would allow them to stroll in late. It didn't help that they'd all had a little bit too much to drink, and would be unable to drive home. Even if one of them, meaning Tony, was stupid enough to attempt it, Gibbs would confiscate car keys. They were almost certainly staying overnight.

Not that he minded. There was the chance they would be fed in the morning, and who could resist the opportunity to learn a little more about their esteemed, mysterious leader? There was not going to be a manual lying around somewhere with instructions for how to operate him, but there might be some little things. A photo or two, perhaps a CD. Just something that would give an insight into his mind.

He was fighting to remain awake. Alcohol had always had the unpleasant effect of making him tired, and on top of that he'd had a long day, and was currently sitting in a basement talking about his coworkers. Sleep was beckoning, and it was incredibly tempting. The urge to lie down and rest his weary eyes was almost unbearable.

But then he thought of Tony, and what he would do when he discovered that his favorite Probie needed lots of sleep every night. The tiredness left him, and he became more alert. He knew it would only be temporary though; at least there was only one round to go.

"And last but by no means least, winner takes all, the 'overall sexiness' round," Tony announced.

McGee spoiled the effect by yawning again.

"As the Probie falls asleep underneath the boat," Tony droned, sounding like a wildlife presenter. "The adult males slowly leave him behind. They need to conserve their energy for the winter ahead –" He dodged Gibbs' head-slap this time, but got the hint and stopped.

"I cannot choose," Ducky proclaimed. "They are all wonderful in their own different ways. How can I be expected to have a favorite?"

"Well, Gibbs is going to vote for Abby," Tony mused aloud. "And –"

"Jenny," Gibbs corrected.

Tony raised his eyebrows. "Really? Cos I would have thought that you'd go for the favorite, although maybe you don't think of her in that way, so that would be a little strange."

"Stop digging yourself a hole," Ducky advised, his eyes twinkling.

"Right," Tony stated. "One vote for Jenny then. I vote for Ziva, because somehow she just sums up the whole ninja sexy chick thing. Probie?"

He already knew his answer. "Abby," he voted.

Tony grinned again. "It's a tie! So Ducky gets the deciding vote."

"Do I really have to make a choice?" Ducky queried. "Like I said, they are all wonderful in their own different ways."

"We need a decision so the little Probie can go to bed," Tony replied.

"You're all staying here," Gibbs warned, before they got any other ideas. "You've all had too much to drink."

"The boss has spoken," Tony commented. "And now it is time for Ducky to speak."

Ducky looked torn. "I suppose, if I have to choose… I would go with Abigail."

McGee grinned. Wouldn't she love to find out about this. Then he remembered that telling her they had been gossiping behind her back would end in his untimely demise, and squashed it. Still, she had won.

"Bed," Gibbs growled. "Wake up call will be at 0600."

"But it's midnight!" Tony protested. "Although," he added at the look on Gibbs face, "It's all our fault."

McGee chuckled. If only the girls knew what they talked about in their spare time…

THE END


End file.
